I Wrote About my Momma

To the tune of Rey's Theme from Star Wars

May 9th 2025

Mother’s Day hits different when you don’t have one anymore.

My Mother passed away on Oct 7th, 2014. It will have been 11 years since then this year.

Some folks don’t share the seem sentiments when it comes to mothers, so I want to clarify that mine was/is Mt. Rushmore level mother. Absolutely wonderful from beginning to end.

This year, I rather spontaneously decided I would travel to her gravesite in Birmingham, Alabama, on Mother’s Day to just visit with her. This thought has never occurred to me before, but it entered my brain like a whisper during a flight from Tennessee to Florida. I had just won a tournament for the Killer Queen game that I play. I guess I thought of her because of that. Look at me mom. Did you see what I did? She would have said, “That’s my boy, Joe!”

I wrote what you’ll find below—in it’s original, unedited form, save some formatting by Substack—on May 8th, 2016, on one of the many precusors to Substack, Tumblr. I wrote it while sitting in a coffee shop in Durham, North Carolina, called Bean Traders, 2 years after she passed. I was working remotely at the time. I remember I ordered a “Carmella,” their signature caramel latte. Hot with whole milk, like the good Lord intended.

I don’t remember how it started. I do remember it being a rather painful write, but now, I find it to be a peculiarly soothing read. So I wanted to [re]share it, with you all and with myself as Mother’s Day 2025 approaches this weekend.

Tomorrow, I may share an “inspired by true events” fictional piece that I wrote about my mom in 2017.

Maybe I’ll write something new for Mother’s Day this year.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

May 8th, 2016

Image credit: http://www.deviantart.com/art/Over-the-Edge-422036726

#nowplaying: Rey’s Theme - Star Wars: The Force Awakens (Extended)

#currentmood: Lost

I don’t generally write on Tumblr but today I thought I’d try. It’s Mother’s Day. It’s no longer a good day for me. Hasn’t been for 2 years now and unlike most things, it doesn’t seem to get better with time.

Today I aspired to set out, alone, to a local coffee shop I frequent. The plan was to be productive; to plunge head first into the deep end of side projects I’ve created for myself and tread for as long as I could. It was a sound plan. It was a focused plan.

Armed with my usual hot, medium Carmella with whipped cream I sat down, put on my over-the-ear headphones, queued up some Star Wars music—space music generally inspires me just enough to do the trick—and what I hope you are now listening to came on. Incidentally, this is my favorite motif from Stars Wars Episode VII due to it’s depth and layers which are incredibly effective at pulling you in to the emotionally charged bits of the movie. Ebb and flow like the ocean tide, but today it betrayed me.

A good song ends usually where it begins, so music can have a funny way of looping your heart and your mind into a stalemate of negotiation about your soul. Music speaks. Listen to the song and see what it tells you.

For me, it tells me about my life. Conflict and hope from the flutes right from the beginning. I almost died when I was born. My mother’s youngest and last child of three boys. Her pride and joy. They named me Joseph with purpose. Then to 2nd grade. Art class. Crude, felt cutouts of dolphins and habitat dioramas held together by Elmer’s glue that my mother would keep in her sentimental box of things never to be thrown away; a box of things which has somehow made its way back to me as an adult.

Then the music begins to swell and takes me to high school. We moved after I completed 10th grade. It was a very difficult time, but my mother got me through it. “Mom and Joe.” It was our Hakuna Matata of sorts. [Ah yes, tears. Not sure if I should be happy or sad that I still have some left…]

It was the french horns.

This wasn’t part of the plan but it’s all I seem to be able to do at the moment, rather unwillingly, even now.

The music continues with a glorious montage, fast and sweeping with a change of key.

College. Full scholarship. Awards. Excellence. I represented my family well. I didn’t forget what they taught me at home. She was proud.

Graduation. We took so many photos together, each one brighter than the last. The last son. A graduate with honors. She was proud.

Wedding Day. We danced. “I’ll Always Love My Momma” was the song. I’ve never seen my mother smile at me brighter than she did that day. My wife reminds me of her so much. That’s part of the reason I believe in God. Only He would have the foresight to save me someone like that.

Orlando. The last time our entire family would be together. Happiness. Everything I could have ever hoped for. It was paradise. A mother’s pride is her family, and no one loved or valued family like my mother.

Cancer.

“Get here.”

The violins started it this time, but no one knew it was the end until the trumpets entered. The violins sounded so triumphant at first, didn’t they…

She was young. It was too soon. It wasn’t fair. She was the strongest of us all. Now she’s gone. I tried. I didn’t make it there in time. She didn’t want me to see. I’ve never cried like that before. I never want to cry like that again.

Then I’m back in the coffee shop with the flutes again. Lost.

The music isn’t so cruel as to leave me without any hope at all, but what little it gives at the end is just that: Little. Maybe that’s enough. Maybe it’s just this day. The flutes take me back to the beginning of the song and I try again. Maybe this time I’ll be stronger.

So I listen.

And I listen.

And I listen.

And I Listen.

And I Listen.

And I Listen.

And I LISTEN.

And I LISTEN!

AND I LISTEN!

AND I LISTEN!

AND I LISTEN!

AND I LISTEN! UNTIL I AM.

Because somewhere within its many layers, I can begin to hear the music telling me loud and clear. “Even now, you are you’re mother’s son, and she is prouder of you today than she has ever been. And she will be prouder of you tomorrow than she has ever been. So you will continue to grow stronger. You will continue to shine. You will continue to add.

And the world will know who she was because of who you are.”

Now I understand why I chose the image that I did for this post.

Two comets. One chasing the other through the cosmos. One of them is me.

#mothersday
May 8th 2016